And Then I Said …

It’s odd that I wrote about my prayer to hold my tongue yesterday. I’ve rarely prayed for assistance to refrain from speech. In my youth, I prayed for the right words. I have stood and tried to think of a response. I had often said the right thing at the wrong time or the wrong thing at the wrong time. Yet every great once in a while I’d say the perfect thing at the perfect time. So, I knew it was possible. As I aged and my confidence amassed, I knew it was increasingly probable and now I don’t worry about what to say as much as I pray not to say it. Frankly the proper thing is on my tongue as often as spit. It’s not happenstance that I’ve chosen communications as my field.

As I wrote “Yesterday” I considered how many times I’ve prayed for refrain and the frequency reminded me of my consistent prayer. Oh you’d think I’d pray for world peace or tranquility of my immortal soul or succor for departed souls or even cash. No. I frequently pray not to think. I often beg God to help me not consider. My mind moves with such rapidity and I see so many angles to so many things that I intellectually and emotionally exhaust myself.

As I drifted to sleep last night, I considered how my reaction defines cowardice. I’m trying to avoid considerations of things I find too laborious to consider. It’s not that I want to avoid the considerations; I want to avoid the responsibilities that compile with the wisdom. I’m not attempting to avoid the accumulation. I have the sin of pride. I enjoy the acquisition of information. I’m attempting to avoid the obligation. It’s less a sin of selfishness and more a sin of attrition. I know the more I know, the higher the standards and the more stringent the obligation of adherence. “And unto whomsoever much is given, of him much shall be required.” [Saint Luke 12:48] I’ve had such a blessed life. I’m going to have one big-assed bill. I can’t believe I’ve wasted so many worries on student loans when I’ve massed a tremendous moral mortgage. I am not depressed. I’m not frightened. Yet I’m aware of the balance of benevolence.

I consider praying for mercy yet I know that mercy is only just when one has been treated unjustly. And I know the ordinance of The Holy Trinity so I know that the justice of God The Father takes precedence over the mercy of Christ. I’ve been treated with a benevolent providence and I’ve often spurned the spiritual for the consolation of the carnal. So, recompense is just. I just hope I’m up to the tasks. Sure, the clever conclusion would be for me to type “I’ll think about that tomorrow.” Yet this topic often comes up in my conscience. I think it’s time to think about my comeuppance. Perhaps I’ll come up with proper compensation for my infractions.