1. If you have a meeting and you’re running behind and you need to iron a shirt - fire blowing out the backend of your iron like it’s eaten too much 
Mexican food is not a good thing and the neighborhood Walgreens store isn’t going to have a reasonable iron for sale. It’s only going to offer an iron that is provided with the new Malibu-Barbie Beach House which almost defies authenticity because anyone who lives in a beach house in Malibu doesn’t iron. They pay people to do things like that. Or they buy a new shirt.
2. If you are at the dealership having your car’s oil changed and you see the new Lincoln Navigator you need to be aware of a few facts. (a) the dealership will not provide tissues so that you can wipe the drool off your chin. You might as well run your chin across your sleeve. Why not? It’s already wrinkled. (b) a man will actually chase you across the lot and shout the mantra … “Sure … I understand you’re not in the market right now
but let’s just run the numbers.” (c) even though you tell yourself that the Navigator’s gas mileage sucks … you’ll secretly conjugate the verb “to covet” the entire drive home.
3. No matter how many times Christina Aguilera’s publicist plasters her face in the media and no matter how many times she’s dunked in flea dip - she’s still a skank.
4. If your buddy tells you of the sheer joy of solving the sudoku … and if you work on it at the dealership while you’re waiting for your car … and if you have to ask the receptionist for a pencil because all you have is a pen … (and if she rolls her eyes at you and flares her nostrils in some vain attempt to disguise the fact 
that she’s never even heard of a pencil and you now seem so old you might as well have asked her where you can get your powder-blue leisure suit dry cleaned) and while thinking that the sudoku is a logical puzzle and reminiscing that you got a “D” in logic because you spent the entire semester trying to persuade Cari-Lynn that it was in fact quite logical that the two of you should hook up and while remembering that she never did see the logic in your argument (so she must have gotten a poor grade too) and you spent one hell of a huge amount of money on a philosophy class at a private college that 20 years later was ill spent because a “D” doesn’t provide you with the adequate foundation to solve the sudoku at a dealership - which is ok … because you can’t see the puzzle in the newspaper anyway. Your drool has made all the ink smear.
February 14, 2007
