Wasn’t Anymore

“I don’t understand.”

“We can’t do it right now. We can’t. It’s the wrong time. We’re not ready for it.”

“Ready for it? We’re not ready for it?”

We’re not.”

“How can you say what we’re ready for? How could you decide without talking to me? We decided this was real between us. We decided to live together. We decided you should get your masters and I’d work two jobs. We decided we loved each other. How could you decide we weren’t going to have a baby anymore?”

“It’s the right decision. It is.”

“It was our decision.”

“No. It was mine.”

“I’m not some guy you hooked up with. It was our decision.”

“I made my decision.”

“Jesus. You know, at first I was afraid of having a baby but then the last couple of days it sunk it. I got used to it. And then I got happy. All of sudden I was just so goddamned happy and now it’s all gone. Fuck I even bought my brother a cigar.”

“We agreed not to tell anyone yet.”

“Oh fuck you! That’s what you’re upset about? Don’t even start.”

“I think we should put this behind us and go on. In a couple of years, when the time is right, we’ll start a family.”

“Go on? You think we can go on? You think you can decide my life without me and we’ll still go on?”

“I decided my life. I decided what I wanted.”

“You think this is all about you? Don’t you know I’m going to look at a calendar and think how old our kid should be? And when I am a dad and people ask me how many kids I have, when I don’t include this one, you think I’m not going to feel like a liar? Or disloyal or something? This baby was not only yours. It was ours! It was mine too!”

“It wasn’t a baby. Not yet.”

“Don’t tell me how to define the people in my life. Or fuck! Gone from my life.”

“You think this was an easy decision for me?”

“I don’t know. How could I? You never told me. We didn’t discuss it. All I know is we were happy and then you decided we wouldn’t be.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Nothing. I don’t want you to do anything. You’ve done plenty. Now I get to decide. I’ve got to decide if I love you anymore.”

“I still love you.”

“How can I love someone who’s treated me the way you have? How can I? You didn’t even talk to me. You didn’t even include me. All this time letting me talk about getting a house and neighborhoods and schools and college funds and not even telling me it’s not coming true? How can I love someone who’s made this big fucking hole in my heart? How can I? I got to get out of here. I can’t be around you right now. I can’t.”

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